Revival

I have been neglecting this blog for a little over a year now. It was that whole I'm having a baby and want to start a blog for her and stop being so narcissistic thing. But I need to talk, I need to talk about my marriage and there is no place in two frenchies for what I have to talk about. What I want to share and how I want to share it.

In our quest to have a baby, get pregnant, stay pregnant, carry and birth a healthy child I got consumed. Consumed with ovulating, cervical mucus, basal body temperature, schmeres and sperm little vials and clomid just to name a few. Left and right I saw people getting pregnant with out much effort and I almost drowned in my sorrow. I became a bitter and sarcastic person (not in the fun sarcastic lets all laugh way but in the I'm going to make you cry if you get my coffee wrong type of way.)

When we finally did have a healthy baby it was like our marriage was in the back round. Just hovering there like it was an idea that we had once had but have just tucked away for when we can properly attend to it.

I feel like its still sitting there in the corner, waiting, fading, dying.... So its time for a revival.

DH and I started doing a devotional together, and it was all kinds of fail all over the place. Think of a dentist hitting a nerve in your tooth. I was just uncomfortable and drained and for the first time in my life I had very little to say... It was embarrassing. How did we let it get this bad? Where did we take a left turn off into the divorce detour? So the other day it hit me. I'm the one who took the detour, I have been driving this car off the road the whole time. So I need to get back into the right lane...

I sat the other day with "the love dare" in my hands and I thought "Whats the worst thing that could happen" Well... I could fail... this whole thing could fall apart and it could fail... And so far I failed day one. Day one was to let things go (me? yeah right... elephants never forget and I seem to be that specific shade of grey) Let them go and don't be quick to anger (what the hell was I thinking) and I just flopped flat on my face...

Day two, a new day and something that I was much better at (although its in addition to day one) a small unexpected gesture of kindness... DH was supposed to be at work all day so I left a note on his cell phone...

Like dealing with my fertility issues I am not giving this up with out a fight. I am not going to just let this crawl into a corner and fade away. We have been through too much and have come too far. So.... Here goes nothing....

Things we will never do...

I would like to say that this is a happy entry but I would be deceiving you.

I have realized that there are a multitude of things that we will never do. I will not get to send my son to school, teach him to read, tie his shoes or ride a bike. I will never tuck him in and check for monsters or share my favorite books and hopes he dreams as I dreamt. I will never watch him open presents that we chose just for him on Christmas, nor see his joy and wonder at an aquarium or zoo. I will never see his smile in a family portrait or celebrate the tooth fairy coming for a lost tooth... I will never bandage a scrape or calm a fear...

I will never say "Gianni, this is your sister Evangelina"

And this makes me feel so guilty.

Drum roll please!

So just a short little update to tell all of you that we are having a GIRL!

We went last night for our 4D ultra sound and it was amazing, even though she was a little quiet, I was hoping that we would see a lot of movement but she was pretty quiet. I am a little concerned last time and this time we didn't see a lot of leg movement so I'm going to have to ask my OB about that when I see her next...

I cannot wait to see what shes going to look like. Rob and I are so similar coloring wise but I really hope she has his eyes and a whole mess of dark curly hair!

I'm starting the nursery/ room organization this week so I will be sure to post as soon as I have made some progress!

I have to be thankful

Saturday night was a great night for me.

I realized a few things.

I have never been more in love with my husband than I am at this stage of our life. We had a rough first year and our second was building back and re kindling the spark but our third year... So far... has been a great one... That night we ended up watching The Godfather, I know romantic... But it kind of was, In the Beginning when Don Corleone tells his men that you cannot be a good man with out spending time with your family Rob leans over rubs my belly, smiles and says I know that and I love doing it... and when Michael returns to see Kay and he tells her "from the moment I first saw you I wanted to marry you, I need you." Rob says I knew I wanted to marry you when I first met you... This made me so happy... and so content...

It made me appreciate staying in and just being with "la famiglia"

On the note of family... We hit 17 weeks on Sunday! I am so happy this baby was in our plans and it so happened to be in Gods plan for us as well. Some of you may not understand but I know the very night this little one was conceived and say what you will but knowing that made me feel a connection not only to this baby but to God in a way that I cannot explain. A thirst for obedience that I haven't felt in a very long time. And I promise that I will spend the rest of my life making sure that I am deserving of this gift he has given us...

There is a type of gratitude that I have for my pregnancy that I know I would not have had if I would have just happened to get pregnant. I know that every child is a blessing but for ME and Rob I think this type of reverence is important. Its truly a miracle for us, not something to be taken lightly or dismissed as luck or chance...

I have to be thankful. Rob and I have worked for this and I am so very proud to be able to make him a father... Next post... we find out the sex of the baby!

NT Scan and U/S

So right at our 12 week 1 day mark we went for our NT scan, NT stands for Nuchal Translucency, this is the measurement of fluid in the babys neck and spine. They would like for you to be under 3mm and we were at 1.3 so not even close to the area of risk which made me feel all the more relaxed.

So far I have a strong feeling that its a girl. This pregnancy is completely different than with Gianni. The whole time we were in the office and I saw her bouncing around and waving and kicking it was one of the best moments in my life. So many U/S Rob and I have had where there was nothing or my betas didnt double or were just stagnant and this little baby seems to be perfect so far...

She danced for us and I have been really fond of the name Evangelina, shes Evangelina Ballerina!

I finally broke down and broke out the maternity pants. I went shopping with my Mom and my Aunt the other day and I was so uncomfortable I ended up buying a shirt and rolling my pants down!

We are now heading into the second trimester and in four weeks we will be able to find out if its a girl for sure or a boy (SURPRISE FOR ME!)

This is just a quick update to let you all know that our testing came back and everything is going well!

Where We have been...

Its been the beginning of an interesting year and we are very happy to report that after much trying, much failure, and several miscarriages that we are expecting a so far healthy baby in September of this year!

Around week 5/6 I had some "spotting" which had sent us to the ER. We later found out that Rob and I have incompatible RH factors and that gives our babies specifically a blood disorder (50/50 chance of not developing) which causes my body to expel any pregnancies it does not feel are viable. After this information was found I was relieved and upset. Upset that we had these tests done, supposedly with our fertility specialist at Kaiser and it was never brought to our attention. Furthermore that they had me thinking I was O- in blood type and I am not I'm actually A-.... Now that we know treatment is relatively simple.

Other than having a mild case of Hyperemesis (Uncontrollable Vomiting and Nausea to the point of weight loss) It has been a pretty routine pregnancy... I am 13lbs down and we are almost ready to start our second trimester! The nausea is getting better and I am feeling relatively human again.

Rob is working about 80hrs a week still running his store in Walnut Creek and is very excited about this baby. We are so thankful to all of you that have been with us through this journey, all of your prayers and thoughts that have been with us are so very apprecitated. We have our NT and CVS coming up this next week and we will keep you posted!

(The picture is our future LO (little one) aka Cubbi, bebe, Tweety Bird, Evie at 9w5d)

The Good Fight

I remember sitting in our pastors office, with Rob (then my fiance) and very naively thinking "what could I possibly fight about with this wonderful man?"

After a year and a half of dating, smooth sailing, the most "vanilla" relationship I had ever been in, and yet in the most wonderful way. There was not one thing we didn't agree on.

Amazing right?

Not so much actually. This state of twitterpation, of euphoria, was really the worst thing that could have happened to us as a couple.

I don't know if it was the fact that I had never been in a relationship that wasn't volatile and Rob not knowing how not to say yes when it needed to be no or the other way around. Or him wanting to keep me happy, either way looking back it was probably the worst set of circumstances that befell us over the next two years...

In my search for God I have also noticed that I am searching for myself and for my husband.

Somewhere along the way we went from being this devoted couple to retreating to our separate corners before we have to do too much damage control with each other. I wonder when we stopped fighting the good fight. Or if we still are, just separately and quietly...

Just among the many things I am searching for...